Never comes Home
by XxStephXx
Summary: They've been married for 18 months, but they might not make it to their 2 year anniversary. Their marriage is failing fast unless they do something about it. Will James realise the damage he was done to his marriage in time to save it? LJ
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

At first I hadn't minded so much. He had still cared enough to apologise and try to make it up to me, but as the months went by that all stopped. He expected me to get used to him never being around. You might be confused now, but I'm talking about my husband of 18 months James Potter. Don't get me wrong, I love him. I love him more than life itself. I just miss him. And whether I stay with him or leave him, I'll never get to see him.

James is an Auror and an active member of the Order of the Phoenix. I know there is a war going on, but I still expect to see my husband for more than a few days at a time. He goes away a lot, for months at time. I know James is ambitious and wants to make it to Head Auror, but I'm his wife surely he should be able to make time for me.

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FLASHBACK 

"_Sorry I had to go into work early this morning," said James to his wife of 6 months._

"_Nothing new there," she muttered._

"_Lily__ I am sorry," said James sincerely._

"_I know," she sighed. How could she be mad at him when he was being so genuine and sweet? It's not as if he was at a bar getting drunk, and picking up women. He was working to stop Death __E__aters__ from__ killing innocent people._

"_How can I make it up to you?" he said suggestively._

"_I'm sure you'll find a way__" __she sighed, getting tired of his excuses._

---------------------------------------------

If it had been anyone else, she wouldn't have put up with it for so long. But it was James, he was different. James was her weakness, she would put up with more crap from him than she would anyone else, because she loved him and when he was home she was so happy.

Lily's parents had been killed in a car accident, and James was due to go on a mission. He told her he couldn't leave her, and she had actually thought that he was going to tell his boss to send someone else. But he didn't. He had just postponed it, and that was what angered Lily the most. He had pushed it too far, and she was sick of being put last by her own husband.

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FLASHBACK 

_It was the day after Lily's parents funeral, James was due to leave on his mission any minute now. Lily was sitting in the living rocking back and forth on the sofa, staring at the wall. James had just come down the stairs with his bag._

"_That's me… it's time for me to go," said James quietly, his face was full of worry seeing how upset Lily was._

"_James… please don't go," she said, tears falling down her face._

"_I have to, you know that."_

"_No__ you don't__" Lily said angrily. "Tell them to send someone else, you are not the only Auror in the country__ Send someone else, just this once__"_

"_I can't Lily. This is a big Op__. I__f I pull it off, I'm up for promotion," James tried to explain._

"_If? If you pull it off, if you don't it's because you are dead. Isn't it enough that my parents are dead, __and __my sister doesn't want anything to do with me? __And__ now you are going out to risk your life too__Sure, j__ust let me lose my entire family in one week, I suppose that's less cruel than drawing it out for years."_

"_Lily… I'm not going to die… I can do this."_

"_Stay here with me," she begged. "Please don't leave me now, I'm begging you now__ don't go."_

"_I have to," sighed James__ sitting down next to Lily. Lily leaned over and clung to James._

"_No you don't__ Please, I'm begging you don't leave me please__" sobbed Lily._

"_Don't do this, you know I don't want to go," said James__ feeling guilty._

"_But you're going to anyway__ It doesn't matter what I say, you're going to go anyway aren't you?__" said Lily__ pulling away from him and looking him in the eye._

"_It's not that…"_

"_Yes or no? Are you leaving?" said Lily calmly._

"_Yes__ but…"_

"_Then go!" said Lily coldly. "Go on__ piss off!"_

"_Lily__ sweetheart…"_

"_I said piss off, and don't bother coming back__"_

"_You don't mean that," said James._

"_No__ but I wish I did," said Lily, she got up and walked out of the room. He didn't stop her, he just got up picked up his bag and left._

--------------------------------------------

She had thought about just leaving, while he was gone. How long would it take him to notice she had left him? Would he even care? Did he care about anything besides work anymore?

A few weeks after he had left, Lily had thought she might be pregnant. She actually packed a bag and started to look for flats. She was going to leave James, because she couldn't let a child go through what she was going through. She couldn't let a child come second with their father. She had even hoped that it would shock James, that he would see what he was doing to her and cut down his hours and the amount of missions he went on. But when she eventually worked up the courage to do the test, it was negative. So she stayed where she was, she didn't have any reason to leave him now. She didn't really want to leave James, because despite all the pain and unhappiness she still loved him as much as she ever had.

James had been gone for seven weeks now. Lily was walking home, wondering when he would be back this time, when someone in a mask stepped out of the shadows.

"Ah, a lonely Mudblood…" sneered the masked man, taking a slow, arrogant stride towards Lily.

Lily instantly reached for her wand out of her pocket, but the Death Eater was too quick.

"_Crucio__"_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

"I want James… where is he?" Lily screamed in agony. "Where is James?"

"Frank, where is he?" Alice Longbottom hissed at her husband.

"He's on a mission, Sirius is trying to get hold of him," said Frank gently to Lily. But she was still in so much pain, he wasn't sure if she could hear him.

Lily had just been admitted to St Mungo's after the Death Eater attack. She had had the Cruciatious Curse placed on her so many times she was suffering aftershocks and the healers didn't know how long it would last. So for now she was in constant agony and none of the pain relieving potions were working. She had been asking for James for over an hour.

By the time James arrived four hours later, the pain had stopped and Lily was curled up on the bed shaking and crying.

"Lily… James is here," Alice said softly, patting her head.

"James… James isn't here… he's never here anymore… always away…" sobbed Lily. She hadn't even heard James come in the room.

"Lily…" said James, heartbroken by her words. She was right, he knew hadn't been around much since they got married. He kneeled down so he was at eye level with her. "Lily, can you hear me?"

Lily squinted at him, as if she was having trouble seeing him.

"I… I'm not deaf," she finally said. Her voice was still shaky from the aftershocks.

"You lot can go home, I'll look after her now," James said to Sirius, Alice and Frank.

"Why are you here? Who told you to come here?" said Lily. Her sobbing had stopped; somehow just seeing James had calmed her. She wasn't afraid anymore.

"Lily, you were screaming for him," said Alice. "We thought you wanted to see him."

"Right… sorry," said Lily, her voice still wavering. "I'm okay now."

"We'll come and check on you later," said Sirius, who knew all about Lily and James' problems.

Alice, Frank and Sirius shuffled out of the room. James dragged a nearby chair to Lily's bedside, he reached out and stroked her cheek.

"What happened?" he asked, concern evident on his face.

"D…Death Eater attack," she said weakly.

"Where? What happened? Did you recognize any voices or anything?" asked James, suddenly switching from being the concerned husband to being an Auror.

"I'll file a report tomorrow when I feel better," sighed Lily.

"Right… you should do it as soon as possible though. It gives us the best chance of catching the guys that did this," said James, gently squeezing her hand.

"I said I'll do it," said Lily wearily.

"Okay."

"As you can see I'm alive, you can go back to work now," said Lily. She tried to turn away from him, but it was too painful.

"I'm not going back to work, not for another week. I'm here to look after you… after what happened…" said James, hurt that she would think he would just go back to work minutes after arriving.

"Oh lucky me, a whole week with my husband," Lily said spitefully

"Lily please, don't start," sighed James.

"Fine. But I'm tired, I'm going to sleep," said Lily. She wasn't strong enough to argue with him again.

"Okay," said James, getting up and turning the light off.

Lily expected him to leave the room and go home, but he took off his shoes and climbed into bed with her, spooning her against him.

"What are you doing?" she whispered into the dark.

"I'm staying here with you."

"Why?"

"To make sure you're alright, I haven't seen you in almost 2 months. I want to be with you. I'm worried about you," said James. How could she think that he wasn't worried, that he didn't want to keep her close after what had happened?

"I'm fine."

"I love you, you know," said James.

"I know."

"Do you still even love me anymore? The way you're acting right now is scaring me, you're really scaring me Lily. I know we're having some problems but…do you still love me?" said James quietly, as he clung onto her.

"Of course I still love you."

"We're going to get through this, right? You're not going to divorce me, are you?" James found it so much easier to ask her in the dark, it meant he didn't have to see the hesitation on her face.

"Not if I can help it."

"Okay, then. You need to rest," said James, kissing the top of her head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"I went to the hospital, they said you discharged yourself," said James agitatedly.

He had left Lily still asleep at the hospital and gone into work. By the time he'd gotten back, Lily was gone. He went home and found her crouching in pain, trying to put clothes in the washing machine

"What are you doing? Leave that," said James, trying to help Lily up but she pulled away from him.

"Don't!" she snapped, wincing in pain as she got to her feet.

"Let me help you," said James desperately.

"No, I don't need you," Lily spat angrily.

"That's harsh."

"Sorry, but I can't help the way I feel," said Lily, turning to face him.

"Lily…" said James. He thought she was being a tad over dramatic.

"No, don't talk like this is my fault," Lily told him, enraged that he would talk about this like it was no big deal. "I actually thought you were going to stick around for more than a few hours last night. But then I wake up and yet again you're not there. You went to the office. So no I don't need you, I've gotten used to you never being there when I need you. So go back to work I doubt I'll notice!"

She threw open a kitchen cupboard as if she was looking for something, but she just seemed to be slamming cupboard doors. James went over to her, grabbed her arms, and pulled them away from the cupboards. Things had to be bad, if she couldn't even look at him when they were arguing.

"Lily, we need to talk," he told her. "And I mean really talk, because if we don't we're going to end up in divorce court. Is that what you want?"

"Shut UP!" Lily screamed at him, her whole body shaking and her face swimming with tears. "Don't you blame this on me! _You_ are the one who comes to bed after I'm asleep and leaves before I wake up! You're the one who puts your stupid job before your own wife! I feel like I don't even _have_ a husband anymore! Do you realize that I've slept next to you for a full night, with you there when I fell asleep and when I woke up, only thirteen times! Thirteen! In eighteen months! I'm your wife, James! I love you! But you can't just keep making your work your mistress and expect me to be okay with it! I begged you not to leave after my parents died! I was pleaded with you! I had just lost my parents, I was still grieving. And you still left!" then she added quietly, as if she wasn't sure if she should say it. "You know, I thought I was pregnant!"

James looked shocked, and lowered himself into a nearby chair.

Lily continued anyway. "And I was terrified because I knew nothing would change with you! You would still leave and expect me to be the good little wife at home, waiting for you! It was bad enough to be second as your wife, but I was NOT going to let you do it to your own flesh and blood! I would leave you before I did that! I almost left you, I packed a bag and everything… but it turns out it was just a little scare."

"You… you were going leave me?" James choked out, looking like someone punched him in the stomach.

"James, don't give me that look!" Lily said desperately, still crying profusely. "I thought about leaving you once! And that's only because I consistently come after your job! You?! You leave me on a daily basis!"

"I'm sorry," said James as if he was in a trance.

"Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore," said Lily sadly, tears streaming down her face. "Maybe I should have left before you got back. Maybe that would have been best, I can't explain why I didn't."

"Don't ever leave me. Tell me how to make things right and it's done," he said desperately. "Just don't tell me you don't love me."

"I do love you, I don't want you to think that I ever stopped loving you. I'll never stop loving you ever. I don't want anyone else but I don't want this either."

"Tell me how to make things right."

"I can't… you just need to start thinking about me more," Lily said simply, looking like she just didn't know what to do anymore. "I just… I need my husband to be around."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"I made breakfast," said James the next morning as Lily came down the stairs.

James was trying to make it up to Lily, it had really given him a fright when he heard that Lily had almost left him, that she thought he would be such a bad father she would leave him.

When he had gone to bed last night, he had tried to cuddle into her like he used to do. But she flinched when he touched her. She had flinched and wriggled away. His own wife couldn't bear to have him touch her. He had really pushed her so far away, he couldn't even hold her the night after he got back. No matter what had gone on before he left last time, when he got back she was always happy to see him. She had never flinched at his touch before.

"Oh, okay," said Lily surprised. James never made breakfast; in fact James never cooked. His specialty was ordering take out.

"Hope you're hungry," said James as he eagerly piled Lily's plate full of food.

"Starving," said Lily. She was pleasantly surprised to find that the food actually looked edible. A little too edible. "Alright, where did this come from? I know you can't cook like this."

"I might have gone to the Deli in Diagon Alley," grinned James. "I just wanted you to have a breakfast you could eat without the risk of food poisoning."

"Thank you," said Lily, tucking in.

* * *

"Where are you going?" asked James. They had just finished breakfast and Lily was putting her shoes on and grabbing her bag. 

"I'm going shopping with Alice," said Lily, looking for her keys.

"You just got out of hospital," said James. He had been hoping to spend the day with Lily, trying to make it up to her.

"I know, but I feel fine now," shrugged Lily.

"When do you go back to work?"

"Tomorrow. I told you, I'm fine now," said Lily, throwing her keys into her bag.

"Oh okay," said James, unable to hide the disappointment from his voice.

"Aren't you going into work? You'll need to file the report from the mission," said Lily, feeling bad for him.

"No, I did it last night," said James, starting to clear the breakfast dishes away.

"You did it last night? Before you came to the hospital?"

"Yeah well, Sirius said you were alive and the pain had subsided so I thought that if I did it before I came, I wouldn't have to leave straight away," said James, as if it was no big deal.

"So after hearing that I had been screaming for you for hours, you went to your office and wrote your report before coming to see me?" said Lily dangerously.

"Yeah… but only because I didn't want to have to leave you…" said James, realising what he had said.

"Let me get this straight. You heard your wife had been attacked, was in agony and screaming for you. You thought it was more important for you to write your report…" said Lily, her voice still deadly calm.

"I didn't want to have to leave you…" James protested.

"But you would have… you would have come to the hospital and then you would have left to go back to the office to do your report…" Lily was livid now, and James could see the hurt in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… I didn't realise… I'm so sorry," said James urgently.

"I shouldn't even be surprised anymore…" said Lily, deathly calmly. "I should expect it… why would you even care that I was attacked as long as your fucking report is filed?"

"Lily I didn't mean… please don't look at me like that," said James, completely terrified now. She was looking at him like she didn't even know who he was.

"How am I supposed to look at you?"

"Just… not like that…"

"I have to go… I can't be near you right now…" said Lily quietly, she turned towards the front door.

"Are you coming back? I'm an idiot, I know I am, and I am so sorry. It was unforgivable, but please don't leave me. I love you and I couldn't live without you," said James, almost pleading with her.

"You admit it's unforgivable, but yet you expect me to forgive you anyway," said Lily, more to herself than to him. Her voice sounded small and strangled, like she was barely choking out the words. She looked at him. "James, you just don't seem to know what's unacceptable until I reprimand you for it. I see you trying, but James…" she paused, struggling for words, "sometimes just trying isn't quite enough. What I need is for you to come through for me."

"Please don't leave me give me a chance to show you… will you please come back?"

"I don't know if I'll be back," said Lily, heartbroken. She hung her head and left him standing in the kitchen holding their dirty plates.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

It was nearly 11pm by the time Lily came home. She had spent the day shopping with Alice, then they had talked about what had happened that morning. Lily had been so close to checking into a hotel, but she couldn't. She felt she owed it to James to come home and at least give it another try. She didn't really believe he had done it on purpose, he was just selfish and thoughtless sometimes. She knew she should walk away and never look back, but she still loved him too much. It wouldn't be easy but she had to fight for her marriage or she would spend the rest of her life thinking about what could have been if she'd only tried a little bit hard.

"Lily, is that you?" James called as he all but ran into the hallway.

"It's me," sighed Lily.

"You came home?" he seemed genuinely shocked that she had come back.

"I came back," she said. Lily brushed past James and went upstairs, closely followed by James.

"We need to talk," he said as he watched her put her shopping away. She sat down on their bed, and took her shoes off.

"I don't want to talk to you," she said bluntly.

"But… you came back… you…"

"I didn't leave you, I came back. But I can't even look at you right now, we can talk about it tomorrow. I'm sleeping in the spare room," said Lily. Then she got up, grabbed her dressing gown; she was almost out of the door when James spoke up.

"I love you, please know that I love you so much. I know I've been a selfish, insensitive bastard and I hate myself for it. But please know that I love you and I am never going to put anything above you anymore. I am going to make it all up to you, because I'm nothing without you and I'm sorry I have pushed you so far," said James sincerely.

"Talk is cheap and you're not saying anything I haven't heard before," said Lily sadly. She wouldn't turn and face him, if she did she would melt. So she just stood there in front of the open door, staring at the wall. James paused for a second, trying to say the right thing and mean it.

"Just know that I love you," James said finally, knowing that at the very least was true. "Don't doubt that."

"Okay," Lily said, nodding as she went into her room. She forced herself not to cry until the door was completely closed.

* * *

The next morning when Lily woke up, James brought her a cup of tea in bed. He sat on the edge of her bed, watching her. 

"I missed you last night," he said with a kind smile.

"Why? We sleep separately all the time, even more often than we're together," shrugged Lily coldly.

"I still missed you, I miss you every night we're apart."

"James I… I have to get ready for work," said Lily, getting up.

"Okay, I guess I do too," said James, disappointed. "What time do you finish? We could go out for dinner, or dancing. You love dancing."

"We have an Order meeting tonight, remember?"

"Right, of course we do," James said, regrouping quickly. "We could do it tomorrow night instead."

"We'll see."

* * *

"Do you know how damn lucky you are?" Alice hissed at James. The meeting was due to start, Lily was talking to Dumbledore about the attack. 

"Pardon?" James asked, nonplussed.

"You better know how lucky you are, I had to talk her into going home last night. She was about to check into a hotel, she even picked which one. You are a huge asshole at times," said Alice sternly.

"I know," said James, and he hung his head. "But I'm going to find a way to make it up to her."

"You better make it fast, even you can only push her so far."

"I know, I just don't know where to start," he sighed.

"Start by not going on every damn mission offered," snapped Alice.

"Right," muttered James.

"And take a few reports home once in a while," she said. "And take your days off, don't store them up to never use them."

"Okay," said James, listening intently. Alice was Lily's best friend and so she knew what she was talking about.

"And here is a picture of the earrings Lily loves but would never buy from Merlin's Boutique," said Alice, thrusting a picture in his hand.

"Thank you," he said gratefully.

"Her favorite takeout is Lamada's, it's a muggle Italian restaurant. Here is the number, and don't forget the garlic bread."

"You are an absolute angel," said James. "Frank, you are a lucky man."

"Why do you say that?" said Frank, pretending to be suspicious. "Potter, you better not be hitting on my Missus."

"What is going on here?" said Lily, she had finished talking to Dumbledore.

"I just found your husband trying to pick up my wife," said Frank in a mock serious tone.

"Did you now?" smiled Lily. "I guess we should do the only thing we can to get back at them."

"Upstairs in ten minutes," grinned Frank.

"Keep it up and I will strangle you Longbottom," said James grimly.

* * *

"We have received intelligence about a surge of Death Eaters in a suburb near Manchester. We have arranged for one of you to be living in the neighborhood for the next few weeks to investigate," said Dumbledore. "James, can you do it?" 

James was sitting next to Lily at the table, and he felt her visibly stiffen when Dumbledore said this.

"Uh yea…" started James automatically, before glancing at Alice, who quickly shook her head disapprovingly. "I mean, no Sir. Sorry I can't. I just got back from a long mission and I need to spend some time at home."

"Alright," said Dumbledore knowingly. "Douglas, are you available?"

"Yes sir, not a problem."

James reached under the table and squeezed Lily's hand, and what was more was that she let him. She let him hold her hand for the rest of the meeting.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"You didn't have to turn that mission down, you know," said Lily after they got home from the meeting. "I don't expect you not to go on any ever. I know that it's important… so you didn't have to do that if you didn't want to."

"Yes I did, I just got back 2 days ago," said James, looking right at her. "And if I did go away again, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be here when I got back."

"I just mean, I know you do have to go away. I know there is a war and I know you have to do your share of missions, I do know that."

"I know, I do have to do my share. But just my share, not all the ones I can get. I leave you too much and for too long," said James. "I'm not going to anymore."

"Okay, I just wanted you to know that."

"I know, you're not unreasonable. I'm just stupid," said James, grinning in a such a way that made it impossible for Lily to stay mad at him.

"You are," smiled Lily.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" asked James suddenly.

"Nothing why?" said Lily, slightly confused.

"Will you do me the honor of letting me take you to dinner?" James asked her.

"Why?" Lily said curiously.

"Because I have a lot of making up to do, and I heard from a very reliable source that you love a new Italian restaurant called Lamada's," said James, taking Alice's advice, which admittedly sounded a whole lot more like an order. "I thought we could use the time to talk about normal stuff…"

"Normal stuff?" said Lily, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Yes, normal stuff. Like how your day was, the weather. You know, the stuff we used to talk about, because I'm starting to get the feeling that I barely know anything about my wife anymore and I want to fix that as soon as possible."

"You know all the important stuff, who I am hasn't changed," said Lily softly.

"But the little things are important too," James pointed out. "So will you come to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

"Yes I will," Lily smiled, liking the idea of being alone and being able to be like they had been when they were happy.

"Great, I'll make reservations for seven thirty," said James enthusiastically.

"Great," said Lily, then she paused. "I should go to bed."

"In the spare room?"

"Yes in the spare room," said Lily, avoiding his eye.

"Okay," he sighed. "Just one thing?"

"What?"

"Don't cry," said James, stroking Lily's cheek. "Please don't cry, I can't listen to you cry over me anymore."

"Okay," said Lily quietly. She hadn't known that he could hear her. She looked up at him, his eyes looked down on her, filled with so much sadness she wanted to cry.

"I never intentionally meant to hurt you," he murmured with so much sincerity, it was impossible not to believe him.

"I know," she smiled softly.

* * *

The next night at seven fifteen, Lily was ready for dinner. She hadn't eaten all day, she had on the dress she knew James loved, and she knew she looked amazing. But there was one thing missing. James. He wasn't home from work yet. He had sent an owl saying he might be a little later than he thought, but he would be there on time. 

So she waited and waited and waited.

At 10pm she made dinner, and went to bed. Yet again James hadn't shown up. He had to work.

* * *

It was past midnight by the time James got home. He had expected to find a livid Lily waiting for him, but all the lights in the house were out. There was no note, no nothing. Instinctively James went to the hall cupboard and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that none of the luggage was missing. She was still there. 

He took the velvet box containing the earrings she wanted, and he went upstairs. He stood outside the spare room, and he could hear her crying. He had made her cry again. This time he couldn't not do anything, he couldn't leave her to cry herself to sleep again. So he knocked softly on the door and went inside. It was pitch black but he could make out Lily's shaking form, she was trying to muffle her sobs. She had heard him come in.

"Lily… I am so sorry," said James emotionally. He hated himself for doing this to her again, when he had promised himself and her than he wouldn't.

No answer, she was still crying though. She couldn't stop.

"Lily say something, please," he begged.

"Go away," she said clearly. "Just leave."

"I can't… you can't expect me to just let you cry… please I'm sorry," said James sitting down on the edge of her bed. He reached out and took her hand, she flinched and pulled it away.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"I'm sorry…"

"So you've already said. But your actions speak a hell of a lot louder than your words," said Lily harshly, not caring if her words hurt him. He deserved to be hurt.

"I got you a present," he said, cautiously sitting the earrings down in front of her.

Lily lifted the box and threw against the wall.

"I don't want your guilt gifts."

"Lily…"

"Get out," said Lily slowly. "Get out right now."

"Please."

"Get out or I will."

"Okay, I'm going," said James sadly getting up. "I love you."

No answer.

* * *

**I'm not sure if i should hve posted this because my readers hve become very lazy reviews have gone from 15 right down to 4. FOUR. So i shall b a nice reader and post this in return plz review.**

**I have finished writing this story (It only has 11 chapter btw) and so as soon as i get a decent amount of reviews I will update. See I'm not unreasonable.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The next morning, James was hovering outside the spare room, waiting for Lily to get up. He hadn't been able to sleep all night; he had big black circles under his eyes, and they were all bloodshot. He had cried for hours over what he had done to his wife, the one person he loved more than anything.

Finally, the door opened and Lily came out. She looked just like he did, like she had been up all night crying. But to him she was still beautiful.

"Lily, let me explain please," he said desperately.

"Why? I can bet I already know what you're going to say, because I've heard it all many times before. I should expect it now, really," said Lily bitterly.

"Please I…"

"You what?" Lily asked him spitefully. "Love me? Yeah, so you've said. In fact that is all you seemed to have said since you got back. But it doesn't mean anything, because I don't feel loved! I feel…" she looked around, trying to find the right word, "invisible."

"I'm sorry," he said desperately, not knowing what else to say.

"Whatever," said Lily, pushing past him, going into the bathroom and slamming the door.

* * *

"Are you going out?" James asked Lily that night. He had gotten home from work early and was going to do some of his reports. His question was highly unnecessary; it was obvious that Lily was going out, she was wearing her little black dress and her red curly hair was swept up. 

"Yes," said Lily simply. She put her necklace on, but was having some trouble with the clasp.

"Let me help," said James, doing the clasp for her.

"Thanks."

"Where are you going?"

"Sadie asked me to go to the opening of this new club with her," said Lily. Sadie was the last of Lily's friends that was still single.

"Sounds like fun," said James quietly. He trusted Lily and knew she would never be unfaithful. But he wasn't exactly thrilled about his wife going to a club full of men, looking the way she did, especially when she couldn't so much as look at him.

"Yeah, I need to get out and have some fun," said Lily.

"Yeah, you deserve it," said James, immediately wishing he could've said it differently. He hadn't meant it to sound the way it did. He sounded sad.

"I do deserve it because last night wasn't much fun for me, so I'm going out with someone that will actually show up," said Lily angrily. What right did James have to sound upset? She was the one that deserved to be upset, her husband didn't care anymore. He didn't care if she left him, she was just a nuisance to him. He only felt obligated to try with her because she was his wife.

"You're right," said James, putting on a very convincing smile. "I'm sorry, you should go out and have fun."

"I intend to," snapped Lily, then she started to look in her jewelry box for something.

James placed the box, with the earrings she had thrown the night before, in front of her.

"You look amazing," he murmured with a genuine smile on his face. "I know this is a guilt gift, but they'll still look incredible on you."

"Thank you," said Lily, opening the box. "They're beautiful."

"So are you."

* * *

When Lily got around 2am, she noticed the living room light was still on. James had probably left it on for her, she thought. She went into the living room, and was surprised to find James asleep on the armchair. He still had a bottle of Butterbeer in his hand that looked to be in danger of spilling onto the floor. 

She smiled tenderly at him. He had been waiting up for me, that was sweet of him, she thought to herself. She gently took the bottle from his hand and sat it on the coffee table. She reached out and ruffled James' hair, and she couldn't help but smile. He was adorable when he was asleep. It was really sweet of him to wait up for her, at least it showed he cared.

"James… James wake up," she said softly. That chair was not comfortable to sleep in, she should know, so she had to wake him up.

"Uh… um… Lily…" mumbled James, starting to come round.

"Yes, now come on, you should go upstairs," said Lily softly.

"What time is it?" he yawned.

"A little after 2."

"Did you have a good time?"

"Um… yeah it was alright," said Lily. The truth was Sadie had met a guy and kept trying to get Lily together with his friends. The worst part was that she had been tempted to follow along. She had even allowed one of them to shove his number in her bag. That was what made her feel even worse when she saw that James had waited up for her.

"Good."

"You should go upstairs," she said.

"Aren't you coming?"

"I'll be up in a minute, I just need a glass of water."

"Okay," yawned James, getting up. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"I love you," Lily blurted out once he had rounded the corner out of the room.

James was almost at the stairs when he heard Lily, her voice was so faint he almost didn't hear her.

"I love you too," he responded softly, a small smile growing on his face as he said it.

Once James was upstairs in this room, Lily went into the kitchen and set the phone number the guy had given her on fire.

She wasn't ready to give up on James just yet.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Lily was in the middle of cooking dinner when James came home. She had been feeling incredibly guilty about taking that guy's number, so she was cooking James his favourite meal.

"Hi Lily," said Sirius peeking his head in the kitchen.

"Hi," she said. She hadn't seen much of Sirius lately. "Where have you been hiding yourself?"

"Nowhere special," he shrugged.

"What was her name?" she said knowingly, wearing a little smirk.

"Was?" Sirius asked, trying to look innocent. "What makes you think it is past tense?"

"Because I know you," Lily said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "So come on, what was her name?"

"Rita…" Sirius mumbled embarrassedly.

"Rita?" Lily asked incredulously. "Rita Prewitt, that skanky receptionist at the Ministry?"

"Yeah, that one," he said quietly.

"Oh how sweet, you're blushing!" laughed Lily.

"PRONGS! Satan is mocking me," Sirius called to James.

"What?" said James, coming into the kitchen. "Did you just call my wife Satan?"

"She is mocking me," said Sirius, pointing at Lily, who was still laughing.

"He slept with Rita Prewitt," she laughed.

"Mate, seriously. That is just nasty, I hope you used protection. You don't know what you could catch," said James, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Remember what you used to tell Peter, 'don't be a fool, protect your tool'," said Lily sternly.

"You are both very funny," said Sirius, not amused in the least.

"We are hilarious mate," laughed James, then he went over to the oven and peeked inside. "Something smells good."

"Lasagna," said Lily.

"My favourite," said James.

"Mine too, mine too," said Sirius childishly. "I want some."

"Alright," said Lily, laughing softly at the fully-grown man whining and jumping up and down in her kitchen. "There is plenty."

"I love you," said Sirius, taking in upon himself to pick Lily up and spin her round.

"What did I marry into?" said Lily good-naturedly.

"You love us and as I have told you, as the Marauder wife you have responsibilities…" said Sirius, wagging his finger at Lily.

"The Marauder wife? I thought I only married one of you."

"Marry one, marry us all."

"Oh god, now you tell me," Lily groaned. "Well you better go and floo Peter and Remus and ask them to dinner."

"Prongs, you married an angel," said Sirius, rushing into the living to floo Remus and Peter.

"How was your day?" Lily asked James cheerfully.

"It was alright," he said, surprised by her sudden turnaround. Yesterday she couldn't even look at him and now she was cooking for him and his friends and asking how is day was. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes…" Lily said slowly, acting like she had no idea what he was talking about. "Of course, why wouldn't it be?"

"No reason," said James warily. Something wasn't right. Lily didn't change moods so quickly.

-------------------------------------------------

"James," said Lily quietly. Sirius, Remus and Peter had left an hour ago, James was in the kitchen finishing some paperwork.

"Yeah," he said, looking up. He immediately knew something wasn't right. "What's wrong?"

"I have to tell you something but I… I'm scared to," said Lily quietly.

"You can tell me anything, you don't have to be afraid of me," said James, getting up and standing in front of Lily. "Just tell me."

"Okay… but before I do… remember that I do love you and I want to fix things between and it was just a stupid mistake that I hate myself for," said Lily, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Okay, just tell me," said James, feeling a sense of dread wash over him.

"I do love you, and I don't want you to leave," she sobbed, pulling him towards her.

"It's okay, Lily just tell me," said James, a lot calmer than he felt.

"Don't hate me."

"Please tell me," said James desperately.

"Last night… at the bar, Sadie got talking to a guy and he had some friends and…" said Lily, sniffing and having trouble getting the words out. James sighed he knew what was coming, he was starting to feel emotional. He didn't want to hear anymore. "We got to talking… and we were drinking… I told him I was married… but…"

"Did you kiss him? Sleep with him?" said James painfully.

Lily's eyes shot up away from her feet where they were currently fixed to meet his, all in a span of about a tenth of a second. She immediately gasped and looked shocked.

"No, no of course I didn't," she said tears falling freely.

"Then what? What happened?" said James, needing to know.

"We were talking and I… I swear I told him I was married, I didn't take my wedding rings off… he tried to… give me his number… I refused…"

"Then what? Did he try to hurt you?" said James anxiously, holding onto her shoulders and looking her straight in the eye.

"No… he didn't hurt me…" Lily said, shaking her head. "Everything was alright after that… Sadie decided the other guy wasn't for her, so we avoided them… then as we were leaving the guy came back up to us and he… shoved his number into my bag… I… I didn't take it out throw it back at him… I just left… I'm sorry… then you were waiting up for me… I burned it as soon as you went upstairs, I promise I burned it."

"Is that all?" said James, so relieved he thought he might burst into song.

"Is that all? What I did was awful. I let him give me his number, I didn't stop him. What I did was awful," said Lily, still crying and holding onto James.

"It's not awful," said James, stroking her hair, trying to calm her down.

"It is."

"Look, I'm not going to pretend I'm happy about it, but you told him you were married. You told him you didn't want his number, he forced it into your bag and you burned it when you got home. You didn't do anything wrong, that guy is slime."

"But I…"

"But nothing, it's alright. You were angry at me but you didn't do anything…" said James, wiping her tears away.

"I thought about it though, and that is really scary. I actually thought about it, and that scares me… because what if I had done something? I was so mad at you… I could have… but if I did… I love you… I can't picture me ever being with anyone else… but we couldn't have survived that…" she sobbed, wrapping her arms around his torso.

"It's okay, it's alright," hushed James, holding her close and letting her cry.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 

James was standing at his bedroom window, looking out onto the street and thinking about Lily and what she had said. Although he had hated hearing it, he couldn't help but feel relieved he knew Lily wasn't capable of being unfaithful. But she had told him and she had come straight to him and told him what had happened. She had let him hold her until she had stopped crying, he had finally been allowed to hold his wife. Lily had gotten a real fright and so had he. It had made him see how close he was to losing her for good, and he couldn't let that happen.

"James…" whispered Lily as she crept into the room.

She saw him standing by the window, she went over to him and wrapped her arms around him. She rested her chin on his shoulder, he had his back to her. He acknowledged her by patting her hands.

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I don't hate you. I could never hate you," said James softly, continuing to try to make her understand that he wasn't mad at her.

"I wouldn't blame you if you did."

"I don't hate you, but you need to stop punishing yourself for last night. I told you, you didn't do anything wrong. You aren't capable of cheating Lily, I know that, and you need to know that," said James, lifting Lily's arms off him, and leading her until she was standing in front of him. "I love you and I would never ever be able to hate you."

"It scares me though. It scares me to think that we might not be able to fix this… does it scare you?"

"It terrifies me," he admitted. "But we'll be able to fix this, we have to."

"We can, we will," said Lily strongly. "We just need to try harder, stop avoiding each other and talk to each other instead of shouting."

"Yeah we do. Maybe we should think about getting a marriage counselor to help us," said James hesitantly.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," said Lily, biting her bottom lip.

"I'll sort out the arrangements tomorrow," said James, pulling Lily into his arms again. He had missed her so much, he just wanted to hold her for as long as she could let him.

"James?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Can I stay in here tonight?"

"Here? In your own bedroom? You don't have to ask to stay in your bedroom," said James, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"But I want to be with you tonight."

"Finally," James whispered happily. He was finally going spend the night with his wife again.

---------------------------------------

"So how are things now with Lily? Have you screwed up again yet?" Sirius asked. They were in a meeting, but had long since gotten bored of listening, just like they had at school.

"I constantly screw up where Lily is concerned, you know that," said James bitterly.

"What did you do?"

"I got us a marriage counselor," said James.

"Wow… are things that bad?" said Sirius, he knew they were having problems but he didn't think they were serious.

"She nearly left me, twice. I wouldn't have blamed her if she did, so yes, things are that bad."

"She was going to leave you?" said Sirius, his mouth hanging open. Lily and James were the happiest couple he knew and he couldn't imagine them not being together.

"Yeah," said James.

"Wow."

"Some guy gave her his number when she was out with Sadie, she told me she was tempted. She said she was tempted, but it's Lily, she would never have done anything, she isn't capable of it. But you know…" said James, not looking at Sirius but at his left shoulder.

"I know, you'll be alright."

"We will, I'm going to make sure of it."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

James and Sirius were in the dining room, working on strategies for work. Lily and James had been in marriage counseling for a month, and things were much better between them. They looked up when they heard Lily stumbling in the front door, she threw her shoes and they narrowly missed Sirius' head.

"Bad day?" Sirius asked unnecessary.

"Yes, bad day and very, very long day," sighed Lily miserably.

She leaned down and kissed James gently on the lips. He was surprised, they hadn't kissed properly since he had gotten back. They had kissed on the cheek, maybe a quick peck on the lips, but not a proper kiss. He responded quickly though deepening the kiss, Lily reached touching the side of his face.

"Uh, HELLO? PEOPLE PRESENT!" shouted Sirius, as Lily and James practically made out in front of him. "Well person, actually…" he added, considering the semantics, before realizing that they were completely irrelevant, "just cut it out!"

"Oh right, sorry," said Lily sheepishly, grinning embarrassedly. James just glared at him.

"Aren't married people supposed to stop all that?" said Sirius traumatized.

"I hope not," said Lily slyly, more to James than Sirius.

"Ugh… repulsive…" Sirius said, wrinkling up his nose in disgust.

"I'm going for a long hot bath, and I'll let you boys finish working," said Lily, giggling at Sirius's comment.

-----------------------------------------

Later that night, Lily was lying on the sofa watching "The Sixth Sense". James was on the armchair, still trying to finish what he and Sirius had started earlier.

"You almost done?" asked Lily anxiously.

"Just about," said James for the third time. "I'm sorry I have to do this, if I it could have waited…"

"It's fine," said Lily. She was perfectly happy with their compromise. James still had to work long hours, but he brought his paperwork home, so he was still working up the ranks but he was home more.

"I shouldn't be much longer," he assured her.

"Okay," Lily said patiently.

Ten minutes later, James finally dropped his bunch of papers onto a nearby table.

"I'm done, I can finish it in the morning," he said, sounding exhausted.

"It about time," exclaimed Lily.

Before James knew what was happening Lily had launched herself at him, and had settled into his lap.

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking at her bemused. She was wearing her overly fluffy blue dressing gown, and her hands were gripped onto his shirt as her head rested on his shoulder.

"The kid is seeing dead people!" she hissed at him.

"Awwww… you scared?" he teased.

"Shut up," she grumbled.

"Why do you always insist on watching these films when they terrify you?"

"Hush James, I'm watching this," said Lily immaturely.

"That was just creepy," said Lily, once the film had finished.

"Again, why do you watch these when you know they give you the creeps?" said James, who was very much enjoying being able to hold Lily all night, even if she did surprise him by grabbing him at random times, and he was sure she had left a bruise on his chest.

"Because I like them."

"They terrify you."

"Which is why you are here," she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Glad I can be useful for something," said James, kissing the top of her head.

"Yes, you do have your uses," Lily said with a smirk on her face.

They lay there for a little while longer in total silence, just enjoying being with each other. After about half an hour, James finally said something.

"So…" James said, breaking the silence. "That kiss earlier was… nice."

"Nice? Just nice?" said Lily, looking up at him, amused by his nervousness.

"Perhaps a little more than nice…" he admitted, grinning a bit. "It's been a while since you kissed me like that."

"Are you complaining?" said Lily, snuggling into him, brushing her cheek against the light stubble under his chin.

"I am definitely not complaining," he reassured her quickly, pulling his arm round her waist and pulling her closer to him. "Just wondering what I did to deserve it."

"Do I need a reason to kiss my husband?" said Lily, kissing his jaw and then his neck and then the base of his throat.

"No," said James, struggling to stop himself from becoming visibly aroused.

"Good," Lily said, "because I miss kissing you. I don't want to go that long without kissing you properly ever again." Her voice dropped in volume during the last sentence, as she suddenly seemed unsure of herself.

"Good," was all James could say. He was struggling to keep his thoughts pure, as Lily was kissing along his jaw line.

"James…?"

"Hmmm...?"

"What's the matter? You look like you're in pain," said Lily inquisitively.

"You're kissing… and speaking like that and I'm getting a…"

"An erection James, you can say it," said Lily, amused by his awkwardness.

"Yes… you can't blame me with you…"

"Who said it was a problem?" said Lily, sliding off him.

"Lily…" said James warningly. She was teasing him and he was not amused in the least.

"What?" asked Lily innocently as she shrugged off her fluffy robe, showing James the lingerie she had put on earlier.

"You're torturing me, you know that right?" he groaned. He reached out and pulled her so that she was standing in front of him.

"If I was going to torture you I would make you sit on your hands," said Lily, noticing that his hands were traveling slowly up her long legs. "Although that might be amusing."

"Don't even think about it."

"Am I going to have to drag you upstairs or are you going to move your lazy arse?" Lily whispered into his ear.

James answered by jumping up and chasing Lily upstairs.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

A YEAR LATER

"Are you awake?" Lily whispered.

James had just gotten back from a mission the night before, he had been gone for 3 weeks. It had only been his second mission in a year, as he had cut them right down. Lily had just woken up, James had his back to her. She moved over to be close to him, rested her chin on his shoulder, and wrapped her arms around his torso. She ran her hands down his abs, she loved how he still had a washboard stomach even though he never went to the gym. In fact, he was toned all over.

"I am now," mumbled James, opening his eyes with a little smile on his face.

"Sorry," said Lily, loosening her grip on his body.

"Where do you think you're going?" said James, turning and pulling Lily back to him.

"I didn't mean to wake you, I know you must be tired…" said Lily.

"I'd much rather be awake with you," said James, kissing the top of her head. She snuggled into him, enjoying having him back.

"I missed you, it's lonely here without you."

"I missed you too, I'm sorry I had to go away," said James sincerely, stroking his wife's hair.

"It's okay, you hardly ever have to go away now. I was just saying that I'm used to you being around now, I don't feel like I miss you all the time," said Lily quietly.

"That's good," said James, he found it comforting when Lily reassured him that he was making her happy again.

"But the problem is when you _do_ have to go away I miss you even more, and so I end up waking you up when you need to sleep."

"I'm not complaining."

"Did you hear about Alice?" said Lily, wanting to change the subject.

"Yeah, it's great news. Frank couldn't stop talking about it," said James, smiling.

"They'll be great parents," Lily beamed, happy for her good friend.

"They will," James agreed softly, nodding. Lily paused for a moment, taking a few deep breaths before continuing.

"Do you ever think about having kids?" asked Lily nervously.

"Sure, I've thought about it," shrugged James, not noticing how anxious Lily was

"And…?" Lily asked, desperate to know what he thought about it.

"And what?" he asked, clearly oblivious.

"What did you think about it?" said Lily impatiently. Honestly, sometimes James was so dense.

"I dunno…" he said slowly, thinking it over intently. "Yeah, kids would be great. I'd love a huge family, big enough for a decent game of Quidditch. Yeah… one day, we'll have a big family, lots of kids."

"One day?" Lily said, carefully hiding her disappointment.

"Yeah, well this is hardly an ideal time to have a baby, with the war," James said, trying to think like Lily would. She had always told him she didn't want to start a family until the war had ended, or calmed down at least. "We're only 21 anyway, we have plenty of time. We only just got back to being us, let's enjoy it."

"Right, so what you're saying is that you don't want to have kids because it might mean less attention for you," said Lily, using anger to cover up her hurt and worry.

"What?" exclaimed James. How had they gone from lying comfortably talking about their friends to him being too selfish to have kids?

"Well, if that is how you feel…" muttered Lily, angrily as she stormed out of the bedroom.

"Damn PMS, it always has to turn her into Satan," said James, getting up.

Ten minutes later, James was in the kitchen making breakfast. He could hear Lily storming around upstairs, and hoped breakfast would calm her down. He still had no idea what he had said to make her so mad at him. He heard heavy footsteps on the ceiling, indicating that Lily was running around. Then he heard the bathroom door slam shut and Lily retching. She was being sick, he didn't know she was ill.

Then it hit him. The questions about Frank and Alice and babies. The mood swings. And now she was being sick. She was pregnant.

James sprinted upstairs, but he found the bathroom was now empty. He went into the bedroom, Lily was sitting on the edge of the bed. She had been crying.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" he said calmly, watching her.

"Yes," she sobbed softly.

"How long?"

"I don't know, a few weeks I guess. I just found out yesterday," said Lily, not looking at James, but at the wall behind him.

"Right."

"I thought you would be happy. I know it wasn't planned, but I still thought you would be happy," said Lily, almost as if she was in a trance. Then her face changed as if she had just thought of something horrific. "You don't think I deliberately got pregnant, do you? That I tried to trick you. I'm just as shocked as you, this is the last thing I was ever expecting to happen."

"No, I don't think you did it on purpose," said James, trying to gather his thoughts.

"What do we do?" asked Lily quietly.

"We have options," said James.

Lily hung her head, and let silent tears fall from her eyes. James didn't want the baby, he wanted her to have a termination. She couldn't do it, she knew she couldn't kill their baby. Unexpected or not, it was still their child, and they deserved to be born.

"Don't cry, it'll be okay," said James, taking a step towards her.

"No it won't," she sobbed.

"Why? What's the matter," he said softly. They were going to have a baby, why would she be crying. It was great news, unexpected but still amazing.

"I don't want to kill our baby. But I don't want to do this without you…"

"What are you talking about? You don't need to do anything without me, ever," said James, sitting down.

"But… you want me to get rid of it."

"What? Why would you think that?" said James, understanding why she was crying now. He curled his index finger under her chin and lifted her head like that. "I do not want you to have a termination. I want us to have this baby."

"You do? But… but you said… options, you said there were options…"

"I'm still trying to take this in. Just calm down Lily, we can talk about this," said James, putting his head in his hands.

"Right…" said Lily. She knew she was emotional, and that she needed to be rational.

They both just sat on the edge of their bed, trying to gather their thoughts. Eventually James turned to Lily, and took her hand in his.

"We're having a baby, I want us to have this baby. Do you want us to have this baby?" he asked her seriously.

"Yes," said Lily quietly. "I don't want to get rid of our child, no matter how bad the timing is. I won't do it."

"I would never want or ask you to," said James, stroking her cheek. "I think we had a little communication problem."

"But you said we had options."

"I'm a moron, I was just so shocked. But I would never want that… what are you thinking?"

"I'm worried about you, you said this morning…" said Lily, not being able to look him in the eye.

"About waiting to have children. Yes in an ideal world, we would wait but now… the baby is here and…" he chuckled happily, "it's bloody fantastic."

"Really?" said Lily, her eyes full of hope.

"Of course, we're having a baby. Why wouldn't I be thrilled?"

"I love you."

"I love you," said James, then he placed his hands over Lily's stomach, cherishing the feelings rushing through him. "And I love you, little one."


End file.
